Facebook
by rein claude
Summary: Rage. Facebook rage. Might read as Ulquiorra internal rage on life in general. Yes, Facebook is life...for most, anyway. Well, it's total AU and it involves Facebook. Enough said. Warning: it's short. no,seriously...short.. Oh, rated T for languages *gasp* and funny attempt.
1. Facebook

It's total AU and it involves Facebook. Enough said.

Facebook

No doubt about it. I'm the worst friend ever. No pun intended. Not that it sucked a lot since I'm not a sociable person but yeah…it still suck. Felt like a total emo freaky lady gaga shit whenever I'm surfing Facebook. And yeah, that's why I hate networking or having friends. I like to call them 'benefits'. Now I sounded like…someone who doesn't have a friend because he's a loner and was angry at himself because of it. Damn, my life seems pretty fucked up right now…

……wow, hate to admit it but that's my first time ruining my English and it felt good.

I supposed I could do this often and I might not end up killing everyone in this college. I just had a month and two weeks until I graduate. Honestly, I don't even have the slightest idea why I felt this way. I have never even bothered of these trivial feelings but somehow, it hurt me. Maybe I am an emo. But I don't suck like the rest of teenager's population. I'm an adult now and people who like to diss everyone and called themselves an emo and blame everyone because they're emo are just…trash. Now I sounded like Ulquiorra Schiffer. Not that I mind, he's hot in my eyes anyway. *look at mirror*

Ehh…

I am _Uquiorra Schiffer_. Shit, I just turned from an emo to narcissists. It must be because of that stupid aura from Jaquerjacques. You see…I've caught this habit of being the third person since I entered high school.

_Since_ I met people like Jaguerjaques

…and started to question my sanity ever since then.

Great, just like another homo sapiens I just blamed anyone that could piss me in a second. I hate myself.

……..

……..

……..

Ugh…I am a closet emo. I really, really hate myself for this.

I hate you Facebook.

* * *

A/N: yeah, i know it's short...i was mad at...guess what...facebook and there you have it...my first fanfic.

i don't know whatever that has struck me to write, anyway...i'm cracking my brain to write more since i've posted this..

and hoped it was better than this one...

and i had to admit this fic it's not that good...

so, see you guys later n i wish you had a nice day XD


	2. Saturday

Saturday

It's 3 o'clock in the evening. And crap, I kept peeing because I have a pretty bad emotional drainage and drinking a lot of water doesn't help at the slightest. I should have started on Biology because the topic on biodiversity is long as the way to heaven but did not bore me the slightest…okay I lied, it did bore me but not that much. Not as much as Pure Maths of course.

Uhm…back to the topic. I know that I hated Facebook but I can't seem to let go. It's like there's an invisible hook that kept me ogled on my profile though no one's going to comment anything I did. Or give. Or comment.

Because I am a boring guy.

Not that they told me that up front but I can feel. Hey, I'm not that emotionless absent minded freak that everyone thought I would be. I was just pretending to be one because reality hurts. Life is a challenge. It doesn't suck. Anyone who said their life sucked totally never heard of hell. We should just be grateful.

*beaming*

Okay, I just scared the shit out of me.

I should call someone and told them to do my homework.

Nnoitra? Nah, he's busy dating right now. Saturday is his favourite day.

Tesla? Homework, enough said.

Harribel? I…don't talk to girls often.

Starrk? As usual, plus he's not going to wake up until dinner time.

Grimmjaw? No. Way. In. Hell.

Ggio? He's with Grimmjaw.

Szayel? I'm…not sure he'd do it for free.

Arroniero? Or maybe Arrurruie? I don't want to confuse myself further.

Uncle Aizen? No…he's in not to mock me again. Plus, he might tell my father…

Uncle Gin? Pervert. And he might call Aizen to join him.

Uncle Tousen? I had enough justice in my life.

Ichigo? No. Just no…

Rukia? Hell. No.

Ishida? No…

Chad? Hmm…I might give it a try. *searching his name on my contact list*….damn, I forgot I don't have his number. Stupid me.

Both roommates of mine aren't here either. They're out. Somewhere…I don't care. I'm going to check my Facebook.

Nothing.

Not a thing.

I should start on my homework. Now.

…

…

Uh…the devil just had to ruin my eagerness to be a good boy who completed his homework every time. And no, I'm not the good boy who completed his homework every time. I never did my homework. And if I did there would be a lot…A LOT…crossed red marks from the lecturers. I just have to try harder when it comes down with homework. Truth to be told…though I do looked smart I'm far less than that. I just LOOKED smart. Not one to be. Great, I'm off topic again.

There just as I was about to write down something…a message popped up. It's Luppi. Dear……..God. And just as I thought I had someone to talk to, he's offline.

I told you so.

I REALLY should work on my moronic brain. Right NOW.

*stomach growled*

I'm hungry.

I better get ready for my English group discussion, which start in thirty minutes. And perhaps get some edible food they served in this college_. (Last time he tries squid with soy sauce he had this acidic feeling in his stomach and it hurt like…he just drank propanyl chloride…purposedly)._

* * *

Okay…so the group discussion earlier was a…accomplishment. With me being the leader. Honestly I never had any ideas as why I would always be picked as the group leader. Apart from the "looked smart" thingy, perhaps if there is anyone to blame that would be me. I know…I was jumping to the conclusion but that is the only reasonable things popped up in my mind. Okay, there was other thing that popped up and was about them being a chicken. Really…

At least some things worked out. I'm not a failure.

Right now its half past eight and I haven't touched my homework.

Or Facebook.

Yay, me.

* * *

A/N: okay...i'm at it again...my brain's on crack...literally...

somehow...it felt weird...i had ch. 3 up next...and i'm not sure the reaction i'd get...

i mean...*spoiler*...i never...NEVER...intended to make it a crossover...

and i wish you guys had a nice day...

and those disclaimer thing...i wouldn't be here if i ever own any of these...


	3. Raining Sunday

it's a bit long from my previous fic

and i have a feeling i'm going to get murdered. *shivers*

* * *

Raining Sunday

I felt lost today. No, seriously. And it has nothing to with war on Facebook yesterday. I was my usual emotionless self today. Literally emotionless.

Even Facebook can't save me from my emotional drainage.

Why don't I tell you a story?

Let's imagine…

In a semi-dark room there was a medium sized paneled window. The green velvet curtains was hanging on its side, thus, giving a view of luscious green carpet on the backyard and the trees, swayed back and forth…they're dancing with the winds. In the rain. The soft platter of the rain droplets on the window almost lulled you to sleep. It was nice. Rain wasn't a bad thing.

Beside the window there was a cushioned bench. All in the colour of forest green. Including the small pillow that is in the shape of a heart.

Just watching the view and inhaled the scent of forest brought by the winds through the small crack on the almost decayed paneled window is enough to calm the chaos in your heart. Such magnificent power the nature has.

I closed my eyes. Listening to the droplets of rain kissing the window's glass. Inhaling the scents of nature.

Faintly, I heard the door of my bedroom creaked open. Footsteps. Heavy footsteps softly made their way towards where I was sitting. On the cushioned bench beside the paneled window. A large, rough palm softly brushed the bangs that covered my face away. Soft lips planted a soft kiss on my temple. I pretended to squirmed under the soft touch and slowly opened my eyes.

The first thing I saw was a silver veil…covering my view. I turned my head slowly. There he was. Smiling softly and leaned again to plant another soft kiss on my forehead.

"Dad?"

"Dinner's ready." He whispered. I looked into those glistening green eyes that showed nothing but love. I gave him a small smile. I always thought he had the most beautiful, mesmerizing, captivating apple green eyes I have ever seen.

Again, those large hands stopped both my wrists from rubbing my eyes. And his held was as careful as if he were to hold a porcelain doll.

"You shouldn't, those eyes of yours is too precious too lose." He smiled.

A few minutes later I found myself trotting after him, in the direction to the dining room. Sweet, mouth watering smell wafted along the hallway…making my stomach turned into a loud protest. I heard Dad chucked softly at the sound of my growling stomach.

"Is he awake yet?" a soft, velvet voice could be heard from the kitchen. The beholder of that velvet voice is also another breathtaking sight. Short midnight black hair at the back, with longer bangs parted at front that almost reached the shoulder, gleaming crimson eyes, softly shaped pink lips that always held a smile that have subtle meaning behind.

"Hi, Mum."

Such contrast. My parents were. Dad…with his long, straight silver hair, apple green eyes that could hold both love and hatred in milliseconds. His tall, sculptured figures, very much menacing yet gentle. He has this serious feature on his frame but only the closest one knows how he likes to annoy people around him with his annoying teasing. Mum, on the other hand, have these playful smirks…though the words that escaped held nothing but sincerity. Never once complained the duty that had to be done, and never once leaves us without love.

"It's your favourite."

"I noticed."

Though how normal it may sound until now. If I were to show you a picture…it might have been a real shock. Seriously. I am their biological son. I repeat…BIOLOGICAL. And I have three little brothers whom I rather referred to as hell spawn.

Meet my father, Sephiroth.

I know…it's weird.

And my mother…uhm…*shifted anxiously*…Selena. Though her…uh…his real…no not real…name is Sebastian Michaelis. And he's a demon. Yep…did I mentioned that my Dad was…WAS…a science experiment? Though he is a human. No, really. He's human…except that he was over-exposed with chemical substance called Mako. Don't ask. I have no idea.

It's a long story how I came to this world.

A really, really long story.

But I'm going to continue anyway.

Well, there this man I called him Uncle Hojo. He's _The One_. The one that made Mum pregnant and had me AND those hell spawn.

Let see….Mum is a demon, so there is a definition of being male, female and both. It's called hermaphrodite. So, yeah…Uncle Hojo found Mum and Mum met Dad. Eight months later they had me. I'm not going to tell you the details of they really met and HOW they had me.

Just…no.

Spare me, please.

We're a happy family.

Oh…I forgot. My _siblings_…

There are three of them. Kadaj, Yazoo and Loz. And there's a huge…I mean HUGE difference between us.

*show picture* there…those three gleaming moon-streak silver hair belongs to them. They look exactly like Dad. I could feel envy seeping through. And me…

You could say that I looked a lot like Mum. My messy jet-black hair, pale skin…except that pair of eyes that obviously screaming 'SEPHIROTH!!!'…mine was green….just like Dad. Sometimes I felt bad for Mum…I mean…none of us had this blood red eyes. Well…except our…step-brother, Vincent.

And that's another long story.

Okay, back to those hell spawn. They're triplets. So, its natural they have the same features. So it's only natural for me to be envious. Pretty lame excuses, huh?

……..

*takes back picture*

I think I'm done here.

*phone rings*…yeah, I'm done. I'm going to pick up this call and maybe planned a war against Facebook after this. Its Dad anyway, I could ask him a thing or two on strategise a war…he used to be a General after all.

Yes, a General. General Sephiroth.

And remind me to continue this story…if you wanted me too. Because I have this tendency to be…absent minded. Not that I didn't know of. A 'friend' of mine told me that I have that trait.

I just shrugged him off. Just like the rest of the population.


	4. Quizzes

Quizzes

For all the places to stand on the ground and accepting who you really are without being influenced…or denying everything what's in front of you…why? Why? Why, Facebook?!

Well, everyone knows there's a place to take quizzes and completing crap shit junk trash pointless answer that does not relate a single thing in your life on Facebook…and it just…suck. Because…believe me, anyone at my place soul body, whatever would have cry until the room is flooded with salty tears…no matter how hard you're trying to convince yourself that it's not true or if you're emo enough you might as well jump from the third floor where I stayed in my block. And I'm emo in control so I didn't jump.

I just fucking pissed. And sad. No, scratch that. I was fucking pissed and mad.

Well…anyone would wonder how such crap shit junk trash manages to crack my self control. It's _nothing_ if you get two to five results that says you suck damned ugly nerdy loser emo but it WILL started to get on your nerves when you've done more than ten quizzes and the answers was pretty much the same. Wow. I said…WOW.

Is it just me or the whole world is betting how far I would go before I yelled "FACEBOOK YOU DAMN BITCHES GO TO HELL I HATE YOU" and jumped from Niagara Falls.

Maybe it's me…

No shit.

I……might go to sleep right now. And pray that my dreams won't plot anything that would resort in me being an amnesiac guy and go to classes pretty much like a zombie.

I don't need a stupid networking site to tell me that I'm ugly. Or deep down inside I'm an emo. I've already know that I'm a closet emo…trash.

Trash…Facebook…Trash.

Just to point out how I'm not 'accepted' in Facebook…I wasn't allowed to leave a comment on the picture I was tagged with. Great. It could be that the space was up on its limit but really…such animosity…on me. IS IT NOT ENOUGH THAT I WAS LABELLED AS UGLY DORKY LOSER EMO AND NO ONE MISS ME OR LIKE ME AND THAT I DON'T DESERVE A LOVER OR BEING A VIRGIN IS MY FAULT AND ALL THAT I AM IN ONE NIGHT????

Facebook is Evil.

No wonder those guys in my classes like to make lame crappy jokes on people.


	5. Tagged

Tagged

Oh, someone just tagged me on their photo

With out me in the picture

As usual

………..

Now, now…don't get me wrong that I'm mad because I'm not in the picture. With all that _fretting_…I'm not surprised if you get the picture of me having two evil-looking horns on my head and empty heart…yeah, I get that but no, I'm not. Hell, I will do whatever it takes not to have my face on a piece of paper or on anything…which sooner or later will be another trash. Save the planet, please.

Reason?

I never liked smiling…a lot.

Another reasonable reason?

Anyone would be scarred to death if they ever saw me smiling

Accurate reason?

My smile would put Joker's smile to shame

Acceptable reason?

Do you have a death wish here?

*rub temples*…seriously, I just thought my face wasn't made to smile. It hurts a lot whenever I tried to…and the pictures failed epically.

Either they're came out in blur –_seriously if you had Parkinson why bother taking a picture at arms length_- OR the picture came out too dark to see –_some people thought the flash was at better use to mug people_- OR too bright –_do you think taking a picture in front of a table lamp makes your teeth shine?_ - OR half of my face wasn't in the picture –_now that's just too __**cruel**_-

And most of the time they prefer to kept the pictures with half of my face in it…

They said it looked good…

……..

Maybe I should cut myself into half

……..

……..

……..

I'm tagging a picture of Barney to them

I hope they find love

And sing along

I wonder if it's just me or I really am heading towards insanity.

* * *

A/n: I really am into facebook….aren't I?


	6. Album

Album

Its picture day

For God sake I'm in college and I now I'm starting to think that I'm going to be haunted by that annoying flash for the rest of my life

Seriously..

To make it worst, it's the damned picture day and one my classmate _suddenly_ decided the theme would be "pretty in pink"

Oh, how I'd wish I never registered here….

But…

The pictures turned out good. And what's more surprising that I actually looked good in it.

The story was actually like this….

* * *

"_Okay guys, tomorrow everyone must be in PINK!!!"_

_I froze._

_Luppi's voice which made me feel like there's a centipede crawling over my back echoed inside the class. I turned around and shot a disbelieving look at him._

"_You know I don't have….PINK…..stuff…." I mouthed slowly. I swear I could feel my stomach had been infested with moss instead of the usual butterflies. And it doesn't feel good….at all. Okay, I'm not extremely against pink stuffs but I can't seem to like it to be anywhere near me._

"_Stop being a bitch, Schiffer," he spat back. _

_I tightened my grip on the chair I was sitting, not that I'm afraid of him but I'm afraid I might hurt him. Badly. _

"_I refuse,"_

_He does said something back at me but I refused to hear it. But why should I bother with trash talk?_

_The following day went by smoothly though there's a fuss about the theme colour but really, who else would want to pick a bitch fight with Luppi, especially when he had __**Szayel**__ to backed him up._

_Even Grimmjow just shrugged it off and practically ran off to the library when Stark asked him to do the favours. And whenever Grimmjow was is a library there's automatically 'Fuck Off' sign above him. Hell, nobody wants to waste their time with Luppi._

_Like I said before, I mean…have you ever met someone who thinks they're the only ones who are right and everyone else wrong? Even though the majority was against him he still thinks he's right..._

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
_

And so for the history of my life…I did wore something pink

And it's a tie

Well, I guess I should thank Szayel because I'm seriously not in the mood to fight with Luppi. And guess what I'd get. Another trashy comment from him. All I ever wore was a long-sleeved button down khaki shirt with a not too pale pink tie.

And I seriously looked like a peppermint strawberry ice-cream

And everyone says I looked delicious

And Szayel took _ten_ pictures of me without my consent

And tagged every single entity he could on Facebook under the title "The Pink Kiwi"

And yeah…everyone called me _Kiwi_ in class

And I thought I dodge all the cameras that flashing on me

….

Eh, that was Luppi throwing his cameras at me

* * *

A/n: I can't really think up of something right now but my fingers are _literally_ itching to type something. And I yes there's a lot I need to improve on...and thanks for the comments =D

And yes, I did wear something pink last Saturday on picture day….lol.


	7. Timeline

:Chapter 7: Timeline

Facebook changed their layout. Again.

I know that this timeline is an old issue but hey, with all the Youtube layout rage, why not Facebook? Though I care less about it since I haven't been looking into my profile for 3 months before they changed the layout, thus the reason why I quieted down on my Facebook rage.

But seriously, Facebook? That mutual hate we have, you didn't have to go this far.

Because _"And hey, since this Kiwi Cifer is a socially awkward person in reality and virtually, why don't we help him keep up with his friends!"_

… (This may be escalated _too_ quickly. But what the Hell) …

They fucking change my profile into the Oh-So-Awesome Timeline.

(If Facebook had an _actual_ face, my sarcasm would have punched it. Repeatedly. No, not just that Mark guy.)

…

Well, crap.

With the blank baby blue background that greet me like _"Hey Kiwi, look at all the blankness on your profile, oh, now look at your 'friends' profile. Aren't yours like boooorrrriiing? And what's that profile pic of your cat?"_ and what the Hell, the things that kept pooping up, yes, pooping up on my screen every time I clicked on '_whatever the Hell is this, better not get me logged out'_ with the Oh-So-Helpful-Close-Button somewhere in Sahara desert. And not to mentioned that according to my profile that I graduated two years early from my degree which is made me sound like a genius but seriously fucked up because my whole classmate knows that I actually dropped my degree. Yes, I dropped my degree because some shit claimed I took _his_ credit.

Fuck that, what's with the privacy options? I was like _"NO, my so called friends and weird strangers DO NOT NEED TO KNOW THAT KIWI KNOWS ENGLISH."_ Seriously trash privacy. Might as well advertise that I am naked. All the time. And that little status box that kept asking me how I was feeling. I DON'T FEEL ANYTHING WITH YOU, FACEBOOK.

I was _thisclose_ to shut down my Facebook account.

It took me a year or so to get familiarize with. Okay, maybe a couple of months, it became a year when I gave up setting my profile after two minutes I logged in. And by the time I _finally_ caught on, my friends was like "Who's _Kiwi_?".

LIKE THE ACTUAL FUCK, HOW I STUNNED WAS, YOU REMEMBER ME DON'T?!

See how fucked up my grammar and vocabulary was when it happened? He was my roommate, damn it. We like _literally and figuratively or might be imaginarily_ slept together. (Well, there was that one time he saw _a ghost staring at him_ while he's calling his girlfriend on the phone and yes, a single bed with two boys on it is not awkward.) I kind of frustrated that my last closest friend – not to mentioned that we were _brothers_ on Facebook – don't remember me and yeah, so I ignored Facebook and secretly hoped that the Mayans weren't just fucking tired carving their calendar. I didn't actually believe that world ends last year, though. Those are what I believe, trash talk.

Well, I don't have a choice though. I can't just pick up a phone and go all Liam Neeson on "I don't care who blab blab blah" since the company would gladly charge me double international calling rate. Fuck my life, which actually fuck myself for being a virtually retarded guy on Facebook, no less.

But hey, here's 2013. There, it's the year where I think the numbers are all awkward with each other. And hopefully Facebook will create a face or just volunteer their staff to sacrifice their faces in case they change into something…retarded to keep up with.

Again.

* * *

A/n: I'm so sorry for the _very_ late update. Life happens. And yeah, you might noted on several updates which actually me trying to format this fic on . Crap, yeah I forgot that they tend to crop documents. Which I suck at editing.


End file.
